rubber horse head

I really, REALLY need to get back into writing on this blog more often. I put everything on facebook and I hate facebook. Ever since I got pregnant and became so sick (pushing 24 weeks of sick!!) I lay down a lot and I get bored, so I end up on facebook and I post everything, where I used to do that on here. *sigh* I need to make the time more.

Anyway... the reason for this post.. I saw (on facebook, ha!!) some post I don't even know what, but the picture had someone standing there with a rubber horse head on. It got me thinking... every single time I see a rubber horse head (which isn't very often) I think of one of the scariest and most life changing days of my life. The day I got news that changed me forever.

The back story... last year in the Spring, I found a lump in my breast. I panicked... my dad's sister died of breast cancer and my mom's sister had and fought breast cancer.. it runs on both sides of my family and it had me spooked. I didn't tell anyone. I went back and forth between feelings of "this is nothing, it is a cyst, don't say anything and upset your family" to "oh my gosh, it is cancer and I am going to die" I fell in to a dark and scary depression and turned mean and angry and didn't know how to react. My family probably thought I had lost my dang mind and of course I wouldn't tell anyone what was going on. One day I got the guts to FINALLY tell my husband (months later) and we both broke down. He finally understand what I was going through and we both cried a lot for what might be. He convinced me to go get checked. I put it off for a long time because I didn't want to hear the scary 'C' word. Dumb, I know. But being terrified makes all common sense go out the window. I made the appointment and went in. Daniel couldn't go... so I had to go alone!! It was TERRIFYING!!! I had a mammogram and then they said they needed me to get an ultrasound. They had found 3 lumps. 3!! After what seemed like an eternity, the Dr. came in and said he was pretty sure they were all benign cysts. yay!!!! I was thrilled and went home on my merry way. They told me to come back in for a 6 month check up.

So, 4 months go by and I find 2 more lumps. How did they show up so fast? One of them felt different. It scared me so bad. Once again... guess who doesn't say ANYTHING? me. I couldn't put Daniel through that again. Well, 2 months go by and he KNOWS something is wrong. I break down and tell my sister and husband what is going on again. They encourage me to go get checked again. My appointment was set for Halloween day. I had to go again... alone. I had another mammogram and as I am sitting in a quiet, dim room waiting for the news and a nurse pops in and says the Dr found something concerning and I need another ultrasound. I swallowed the huge lump that formed in my throat and walked to the ultrasound room. I had the scan done and waited in another room, alone. After what seems like a long wait, the door flies open and in walks a man wearing a rubber horse head! (remember, it was Halloween) and he takes it off and says "if you get the rubber horse head, it means good news!!" he said he was fairly certain it was once again more benign cysts. Best news ever!! I literally felt lighter and happier than I had in a long time. That night, trick or treating with my kids- I had a hop in my step and a huge smile. No one except a couple family members ever knew about any of this. It was too scary to talk about. I am one that doesn't like to talk about really hard things. But, it has been over a year (since my first appointment) and I feel like I truly am going to be ok! I felt it was ok to talk about now. I still have to go in every 6 months for life and get checked and I will gladly set those appointments now.

If you have something going on in your life that worries you and you are scared, please find someone to talk to. It is so much better to have someone to talk to than to try to carry it alone. You will feel better if you have someone you trust to talk to and help you however they can.

Also, ladies...please get your mammograms!!! please.

Have a great day!!

Baby #4

When I had my 2nd child, my Dr. said I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. My endometriosis is bad. I also get ovarian cysts that when they rupture, it causes scar tissue which makes my organs stick together.  That alone can cause infertility. So, that combined with endometriosis made it pretty much a for sure thing that we were done having kids. I was confused because I always felt so strongly that I would have 5 kids. It's what I wanted so badly. I was also so, so grateful for the 2 I had that I could never be mad or ungrateful. Daniel and I decided to try anyway. 1st month of trying, I got pregnant with #3- Ashlyn. The dr was beyond certain that was a crazy miracle and I couldn't get so lucky again. (Ps. My OB is also a fertility specialist). I still felt strongly I was going to have more kids. We started trying again (you know...still having hope) a couple months after Ashlyn turned one. A girl can always dream, right?!

 In December after Ashlyn turned 2, I went in for yet another surgery to burn off endometriosis. The pain was so bad, I had to go get the procedure done- again. The Dr. (same guy that's my OB) did the surgery and said it was bad. It was so deep in my uterus that he could not even touch it. That news was devastating. He said I needed a hysterectomy. I knew in my heart I did. I would have to, to eventually live a normal, pain free life. BUT I still wanted more kids.

 At this point we had been trying over a year and I was losing hope fast. I had tried fertility drugs 5 or 6 times over the course of 2.5 years with no luck. Daniel and I finally got to the point where we wanted to adopt and/or do foster care. We were strongly advised not to take in a foster child and we knew adoption could take years and more money than we had. I was back to feeling hopeless. So, November 2014 rolls around and I decided this was the last time I would take fertility drugs. If it didn't work, I was done trying. Honestly. I couldn't take it anymore. Nope nope nope. I knew my Dr was only humoring me at this point. He was always kind and listened to my concerns and never pushed to just be done, but still gently reminding me how much I had working against me. So...the same as every month over the last 2.5 years, I got a big fat NOT PREGNANT. So I decided I was done. It wasn't meant to be and I was at peace with that. I mean I have 3 gorgeous and amazing daughters. I was grateful and so happy I had them! 3 kids was just what we were meant to have. December rolls around and I had zero intention of tracking dates anymore. But after a couple years it was just a natural thing. I had Dan go buy 2 tests- the kind that read out: pregnant or not pregnant... just to be sure. I always hated imagining there were two lines on the other test but not sure if my mind plays tricks on me....they always did.

SO, I decided not to test. There was no point. I would just take the unused tests back to the store and get some money for Christmas. The day before Christmas Eve (3 days after I COULD have tested) I had the feeling to test. I talked myself out of it for hours. No way was I putting myself through that for Christmas. Nope. It was like 2 in the afternoon and I knew it was eating at me. I took the test and rolled my eyes. Get ready for the big fat NO. I saw out if the corner of my eye that the words popped up. I grabbed it and went to just throw it in the trash. I decided to peek. It says: pregnant. Wait. What?!?! Whoa... WHAT?!?! I scream for dan to get in there; he comes running in and I just point to it. I start bawling. In total and complete shock. Again...what?! I tested the next morning...you know just in case. Still said I was pregnant. Wow!!! I saw the Dr. at only 5-ish weeks because he needed to make sure everything was ok since it was so hard to get pregnant. 

I went and had an ultrasound at the hospital at a day or two shy of 6 weeks. There was a heart beat. Oh. My. Gosh!!! BUT...the baby was measuring a week and a half too small and did not have a good heartbeat. Devastating. Dr said I was high risk and I'd have to go in every 2 weeks to make sure there is even still a heart beat. Every time I went in after I would get blood work done and ultrasounds. That's a lot of appointments. Baby started growing and heart is great. I go in this week on Wed and I always get nervous but always leave smiling and tears of joy. I am pregnant and the baby is still ok!!! I am around 12 weeks now and sick as can be. I am finally showing and can find out if this one is a boy or girl in 3 weeks!!! I don't care if it's a boy or girl. I sincerely want both. I'm just glad I get another at all!!!!! This picture is the first scan I ever had done. The one that first let me know everything was ok!!

Good thing I'm determined

So I couldn't figure out how to post pictures from my phone to my blog. I am on Daniel's computer, So we will see how this goes:

Ashlyn's ultrasound on her belly

Christmas party at Grandma Margie's

We rode trax downtown to see the lights at temple square. The only thing they cared about, was racing to touch that Temple!

"If you let your children touch the Temple, it will touch them!"

Add caption

This is our elf Isabella. This is the first year we have had an elf. I am not super into extravagant pranks and hiding places. Isabella getting into my make up was as fancy as we got. My kids didn't care if most days she was just sitting somewhere new. 

Lei was my only child willing to stand in the freezing temps on New Years to play with the sparklers :)

dust this thing off

It's been 2 years since I last posted. I used to always update. It's been so long that I genuinely had no idea how to make a new post. Haha. I have a ton of pictures to dump. I usually update Facebook and put my pictures there. I'm so sick of Facebook. That site has gotten so stressful, depressing and exhausting. I love to jabber on and post a million pictures. So...I will come back to this :) now I just have to remember how to get pictures on here....just kidding I have no idea how to do it. Lame. Once I can get on an actual computer, maybe I can. Haha. Well....I tried to update. This girls sucks at technology.

So much to catch up on

I was going to do a catch up post but as I type this of course having 3 kids ages 1, 3 and 5 life is busy and they need mama. So I will try again.... soon? Hopefully. Daniel is gone to basic and here he is:

super hot!

So....I'm an Army wife?!

Oh my goodness, where do I begin with this? ok, so it is a given by the title: I am now an Army wife. "What in the heck" you ask?? Yeah... I am still asking the same thing. Believe it. Let me explain. I have mass amounts of respect for the military. I don't understand it, what all it entails or what most the "military lingo" is or means. I respect it, I just don't get it you know? Anyway so Daniel has said a couple times he used to have a desire to go in the military. Well since he was now married and had 3 kids, there was no possibility of it happening. He had a friend recently enlist and is in training and leaving for active duty soon. Scary but exciting! Daniel approached me (not wanting to do it, just casually mentioning it)and saying if he had ever joined he would do this or this or that. We laughed how "too bad it can't happen now." So one day I was laying there and the feeling came over me that he was supposed to join the military. Uh....NO!! The feeling came many, many times. I pushed those thoughts out and assumed it was just the random discussions getting to me. I didn't say anything to Dan. Well this continued and I felt an overwhelming feeling I needed to tell him my thoughts. Absolutely not. not happening. It all was so scary to me. Well Daniel comes in one day to say something and in my head I am actually arguing with myself after a strong feeling to talk to him. I was actually debating in my head how dumb it was to say anything. He starts to walk away and I called after him: "we need to talk!" WHAT?! ugh. So he sits down and I start shaking. I say I think he needs to join the military. I think his jaw may have hit the floor. I am pretty sure he thought I was kidding. Apparently I wasn't. He didn't want to join. It's not what is right for our family for him to join at this time in his life. Who knows at that point what came over me. But we actually discussed it. Then prayed. Then prayed again, again and again. Then prayed some more. Then fasted. Then went to the temple and fasted and prayed more. This went on for weeks! We both got our overwhelming yet very clear answer: Dan was supposed to join. WOW! Anyway he wanted to join the Marines- that was always what he thought would be cool. They turned him down because he "had too many dependents." So we kind of took that as a "maybe this wasn't meant to be" kind of thing. Not the case. We still kept getting the feeling he was supposed to go. He tried the Army- they gave him a test called an ASVAB test where you need a 31 to get in. The highest you can get is 99 and the national average is a 53. well Daniel got a 97! So... he got the waiver that basically said it's ok that you are married with 3 kids- we will take you! I guess he did well enough that he could pick any job he wanted in the Army. how cool! He went in to do all the physicals and tests and all the things to make sure he is good to go. He was. Oh except he has some sort of weird color blindness that makes no sense and they even said it was a weird case because he can see all colors just not when two certain colors are put together or something. anyway that was enough to knock down pretty much all the jobs in the army except for 2! Sad. They said it was a waste because of his scores, he could have had any job he wanted. My heart was sad for him. Anyway this is all still new to me so I am not sure what to make sense of everything still. I honestly am not sure ALL the reasons he is supposed to go- but he is. Sounds insane- it is! But we have already figured out several reasons how this will benefit us and bless our family in so many ways. He will not go into active duty- unless there is a draft. He is signed onto the Army Reserves for 8 years. Oh! I have to tell my nightmare story about him being sworn in. I was under the impression we wouldn't see him get sworn in. So I was at a friends all day while he did all his physicals and such. We were in the parking lot waiting for him to finish. We had been swimming all day. Sweaty, dirty, covered in sunscreen, unbelievably tired!! I had just given the kids gogurts in the car, which of course were all over faces, hands and clothes. Just then Dan says "come on in- you can see me swear in!" yay! but ugh look at us!! We were gross, tired and just- not public appropriate. ha ha. So I pull the kids in there thinking it would happen right then. We sat on some benches and I discovered Ash had a messy diaper. Well since we were going right back, I didn't want to leave to change her, wait outside, get let in just to be wanded and asked if I had drugs or weapons on me just to chance missing my husband. So.... I let her be for a minute. Which turned into an hour wait!! The kids were bored and so grumpy.Of course there were no other kids and I am sure people were annoyed with my monkeys. I found a pen in the bathroom and let them draw on paper towels! Then a cool guy came over with a bag for each girl that had pencils, bracelets, stickers, coloring books, crayons, a toy, etc. yay! I kept thinking we would go back any minute so we stayed put. Then they just came and said time to go. We went back and it was time to swear him in! I was emotional, proud and excited. Ready to take pictures. Too bad the baby decided right when they were swearing in to start screaming! Not a mad scream, a high pitched- ear piercing- I am so happy I can't stand it scream! The more I shooshed her, the more she thought it was hilarious! Nothing would distract her. She also kept trying to pull the flag down by pulling on the pole. Could you imagine if the FLAG fell especially during the ceremony?! ahhhhh. Pulling her off it made her laugh and shriek more. I was humiliated and couldn't quiet her. Nothing that usually distracts her would work. I had my back to Dan the whole time and I didn't dare leave in the middle of it, with the soldiers in front of the door and me having to walk through the men swearing in. I couldn't just leave. We were at the very front and the door was behind everyone. Anyway the second they were done Ash was silent. I apologized over and over and over. Everyone was nice and said they knew how kids were or saying "she was fine" ha! Anyway it happened so fast (but in the moment felt like FOREVER!) and it was just one of those things. *dramatic sigh* Looking back now I just laugh. That's life and kids are unpredictable. :) ANYWAY Daniel is officially signed on to the United States Army and we are so so so proud of him!!! He leaves for basic training in a month and a half. he will be gone for 17 weeks. ugh. How sad is that?! Well now that everyone knows this, it might make more sense why we felt we were supposed to move back to Salt Lake despite our immense love for St. George. It was mostly so I can have help while Dan is gone. (I will be living with my sister) None of this was a rushed decision. It may seem insane to some! Some may say we are complete idiots. That's fine. This is our choice and what we feel is best for our family. We are so proud of him and his choice and support him 100% He is an amazing, selfless man who does what he can for his family, his Heavenly Father and his country. We hope everyone can be as supportive and excited as we are for him!! And that is my story of me becoming an Army wife. yippee!! here is one of the few shots we got at his swearing in:

Also.. I realize I sound so negative about it (well before we decided he would go.) I think it was because I was so scared that he might actually go and have to leave us for so long. Now that I realize it is right and all that is involved with it, I am actually really excited!!

6 months

Ashlyn is 6 months old. Little cutie pie. She sits and rolls and scoots and loves to eat almost anything. Her favorites are squash, crushed graham crackers, apples, pears, bananas. She still sucks on her big toe and thumb. She loves to play with my hair.

Just took her to her check up. She is 13 pounds now. She is 25th ish percentile for height and weight- not bad. She is ridiculously adorable.

Here are some pictures within the last few weeks. All taken on a phone so... not good quality but still glad to have any pictures of her for now :)