rubber horse head

I really, REALLY need to get back into writing on this blog more often. I put everything on facebook and I hate facebook. Ever since I got pregnant and became so sick (pushing 24 weeks of sick!!) I lay down a lot and I get bored, so I end up on facebook and I post everything, where I used to do that on here. *sigh* I need to make the time more.

Anyway... the reason for this post.. I saw (on facebook, ha!!) some post I don't even know what, but the picture had someone standing there with a rubber horse head on. It got me thinking... every single time I see a rubber horse head (which isn't very often) I think of one of the scariest and most life changing days of my life. The day I got news that changed me forever.

The back story... last year in the Spring, I found a lump in my breast. I panicked... my dad's sister died of breast cancer and my mom's sister had and fought breast cancer.. it runs on both sides of my family and it had me spooked. I didn't tell anyone. I went back and forth between feelings of "this is nothing, it is a cyst, don't say anything and upset your family" to "oh my gosh, it is cancer and I am going to die" I fell in to a dark and scary depression and turned mean and angry and didn't know how to react. My family probably thought I had lost my dang mind and of course I wouldn't tell anyone what was going on. One day I got the guts to FINALLY tell my husband (months later) and we both broke down. He finally understand what I was going through and we both cried a lot for what might be. He convinced me to go get checked. I put it off for a long time because I didn't want to hear the scary 'C' word. Dumb, I know. But being terrified makes all common sense go out the window. I made the appointment and went in. Daniel couldn't go... so I had to go alone!! It was TERRIFYING!!! I had a mammogram and then they said they needed me to get an ultrasound. They had found 3 lumps. 3!! After what seemed like an eternity, the Dr. came in and said he was pretty sure they were all benign cysts. yay!!!! I was thrilled and went home on my merry way. They told me to come back in for a 6 month check up.

So, 4 months go by and I find 2 more lumps. How did they show up so fast? One of them felt different. It scared me so bad. Once again... guess who doesn't say ANYTHING? me. I couldn't put Daniel through that again. Well, 2 months go by and he KNOWS something is wrong. I break down and tell my sister and husband what is going on again. They encourage me to go get checked again. My appointment was set for Halloween day. I had to go again... alone. I had another mammogram and as I am sitting in a quiet, dim room waiting for the news and a nurse pops in and says the Dr found something concerning and I need another ultrasound. I swallowed the huge lump that formed in my throat and walked to the ultrasound room. I had the scan done and waited in another room, alone. After what seems like a long wait, the door flies open and in walks a man wearing a rubber horse head! (remember, it was Halloween) and he takes it off and says "if you get the rubber horse head, it means good news!!" he said he was fairly certain it was once again more benign cysts. Best news ever!! I literally felt lighter and happier than I had in a long time. That night, trick or treating with my kids- I had a hop in my step and a huge smile. No one except a couple family members ever knew about any of this. It was too scary to talk about. I am one that doesn't like to talk about really hard things. But, it has been over a year (since my first appointment) and I feel like I truly am going to be ok! I felt it was ok to talk about now. I still have to go in every 6 months for life and get checked and I will gladly set those appointments now.

If you have something going on in your life that worries you and you are scared, please find someone to talk to. It is so much better to have someone to talk to than to try to carry it alone. You will feel better if you have someone you trust to talk to and help you however they can.

Also, ladies...please get your mammograms!!! please.

Have a great day!!

Baby #4

When I had my 2nd child, my Dr. said I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. My endometriosis is bad. I also get ovarian cysts that when they rupture, it causes scar tissue which makes my organs stick together.  That alone can cause infertility. So, that combined with endometriosis made it pretty much a for sure thing that we were done having kids. I was confused because I always felt so strongly that I would have 5 kids. It's what I wanted so badly. I was also so, so grateful for the 2 I had that I could never be mad or ungrateful. Daniel and I decided to try anyway. 1st month of trying, I got pregnant with #3- Ashlyn. The dr was beyond certain that was a crazy miracle and I couldn't get so lucky again. (Ps. My OB is also a fertility specialist). I still felt strongly I was going to have more kids. We started trying again (you know...still having hope) a couple months after Ashlyn turned one. A girl can always dream, right?!

 In December after Ashlyn turned 2, I went in for yet another surgery to burn off endometriosis. The pain was so bad, I had to go get the procedure done- again. The Dr. (same guy that's my OB) did the surgery and said it was bad. It was so deep in my uterus that he could not even touch it. That news was devastating. He said I needed a hysterectomy. I knew in my heart I did. I would have to, to eventually live a normal, pain free life. BUT I still wanted more kids.

 At this point we had been trying over a year and I was losing hope fast. I had tried fertility drugs 5 or 6 times over the course of 2.5 years with no luck. Daniel and I finally got to the point where we wanted to adopt and/or do foster care. We were strongly advised not to take in a foster child and we knew adoption could take years and more money than we had. I was back to feeling hopeless. So, November 2014 rolls around and I decided this was the last time I would take fertility drugs. If it didn't work, I was done trying. Honestly. I couldn't take it anymore. Nope nope nope. I knew my Dr was only humoring me at this point. He was always kind and listened to my concerns and never pushed to just be done, but still gently reminding me how much I had working against me. So...the same as every month over the last 2.5 years, I got a big fat NOT PREGNANT. So I decided I was done. It wasn't meant to be and I was at peace with that. I mean I have 3 gorgeous and amazing daughters. I was grateful and so happy I had them! 3 kids was just what we were meant to have. December rolls around and I had zero intention of tracking dates anymore. But after a couple years it was just a natural thing. I had Dan go buy 2 tests- the kind that read out: pregnant or not pregnant... just to be sure. I always hated imagining there were two lines on the other test but not sure if my mind plays tricks on me....they always did.

SO, I decided not to test. There was no point. I would just take the unused tests back to the store and get some money for Christmas. The day before Christmas Eve (3 days after I COULD have tested) I had the feeling to test. I talked myself out of it for hours. No way was I putting myself through that for Christmas. Nope. It was like 2 in the afternoon and I knew it was eating at me. I took the test and rolled my eyes. Get ready for the big fat NO. I saw out if the corner of my eye that the words popped up. I grabbed it and went to just throw it in the trash. I decided to peek. It says: pregnant. Wait. What?!?! Whoa... WHAT?!?! I scream for dan to get in there; he comes running in and I just point to it. I start bawling. In total and complete shock. Again...what?! I tested the next morning...you know just in case. Still said I was pregnant. Wow!!! I saw the Dr. at only 5-ish weeks because he needed to make sure everything was ok since it was so hard to get pregnant. 

I went and had an ultrasound at the hospital at a day or two shy of 6 weeks. There was a heart beat. Oh. My. Gosh!!! BUT...the baby was measuring a week and a half too small and did not have a good heartbeat. Devastating. Dr said I was high risk and I'd have to go in every 2 weeks to make sure there is even still a heart beat. Every time I went in after I would get blood work done and ultrasounds. That's a lot of appointments. Baby started growing and heart is great. I go in this week on Wed and I always get nervous but always leave smiling and tears of joy. I am pregnant and the baby is still ok!!! I am around 12 weeks now and sick as can be. I am finally showing and can find out if this one is a boy or girl in 3 weeks!!! I don't care if it's a boy or girl. I sincerely want both. I'm just glad I get another at all!!!!! This picture is the first scan I ever had done. The one that first let me know everything was ok!!

Good thing I'm determined

So I couldn't figure out how to post pictures from my phone to my blog. I am on Daniel's computer, So we will see how this goes:

Ashlyn's ultrasound on her belly

Christmas party at Grandma Margie's

We rode trax downtown to see the lights at temple square. The only thing they cared about, was racing to touch that Temple!

"If you let your children touch the Temple, it will touch them!"

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This is our elf Isabella. This is the first year we have had an elf. I am not super into extravagant pranks and hiding places. Isabella getting into my make up was as fancy as we got. My kids didn't care if most days she was just sitting somewhere new. 

Lei was my only child willing to stand in the freezing temps on New Years to play with the sparklers :)

dust this thing off

It's been 2 years since I last posted. I used to always update. It's been so long that I genuinely had no idea how to make a new post. Haha. I have a ton of pictures to dump. I usually update Facebook and put my pictures there. I'm so sick of Facebook. That site has gotten so stressful, depressing and exhausting. I love to jabber on and post a million pictures. So...I will come back to this :) now I just have to remember how to get pictures on here....just kidding I have no idea how to do it. Lame. Once I can get on an actual computer, maybe I can. Haha. Well....I tried to update. This girls sucks at technology.