what are my thoughts?

So reading over my Birth story I wrote the other day I am sad. I wrote it as I remembered and I left out so many details. Details I can't quite remember, I made it sound horrible and depressing and blah. It wasn't so much that it was a horrible birth, I just was so thrown for a loop you know? At the time My hormones and my out of control emotions made me scared and stressed and being in pain I have never felt like that before and nothing like I had planned. I seem... ungrateful or snotty maybe. Hmm not sure what I feel about it. With my birth with Ireland I was induced. She came quick and it was fun and we were laughing and my epidural worked and it was seriously, seriously fun, pain free and easy. With Leighton a lot of things went wrong and to see my Dr. go pale and intense and worried but remaining calm and helpful working to get my baby out and save her life... I just prayed for a better time with this last baby. I prayed all would go smoothly, that all would go quickly and I think I just had all these ideas that it would go 100% perfect like with Ireland that when my epidural didn't take I panicked. Might sound crazy from an outside perspective but in the moment it happened and I did not like the way it all felt. I had been so beyond stressed before and all the confusion.. was I in labor, was I not? It messed with a pregnant ladies mind. Looking at my sweet baby girl, I would not change what happened. I have to say I got a beautiful, perfect daughter of God in my arms after a very brief labor and even though she had jaundice and swallowed meconium and we thought she might have had infection in her lungs, despite all that she was HEALTHY, she was tiny and perfect and everything I imagined. I don't care if my epidural didn't work. boo hoo. I got a child and I got over the pain immediately. I don't ever want to seem ungrateful or like a whiny spoiled brat. I will re write her birth story for her ( I highly doubt she will read the story I posted) and I will make it heartfelt and sincere and use Daniel's memories to fill in the gaps where I can't remember. I won't whine or feel sorry for myself. She deserves a good birth story. Not one about me. hmmm. Not sure all what my thoughts are about the whole thing. I have mixed emotions and I just suck at expressing it all how I really mean it right now. So I will stop trying. I will tell things that are happening in the moment... before I forget those precious moments as well.

Ashlyn is 4 1/2 months old. She is perfect. She is darling and sweet and getting a little personality. She has a cute laugh and is ALWAYS smiling. Good grief she is the happiest little thing! She is nursing still and eats often. She does get formula at night and occasionally at naps to help her gain weight. She is still if at all 12 lbs but she is growing taller. She is busting out of 0-3 month onesies and jammies. Her waist is tiny so she can fit in newborn size skirts or shorts. She blows spit bubbles all. day. long. She loves baby food and baby oatmeal. She eats off a spoon like a champ. She just adores her sisters. She is a total mama's girl. She loves her daddy for sure but is always looking for mom. Which I love but still want her to let others hold her for more than two mins before she spots me and wants me to grab her. She sleeps so well. She actually is napping longer too! Ashlyn is such a special spirit. She makes us all happy and makes us laugh. She likes to jabber the day away and can roll front to back and back to front. She is obsessed with her feet and eats them all day long. She even sleeps holding her feet! hysterical! What else can I say about my sweet girl? She is amazing and we just can't get enough of her!!