rubber horse head

I really, REALLY need to get back into writing on this blog more often. I put everything on facebook and I hate facebook. Ever since I got pregnant and became so sick (pushing 24 weeks of sick!!) I lay down a lot and I get bored, so I end up on facebook and I post everything, where I used to do that on here. *sigh* I need to make the time more.

Anyway... the reason for this post.. I saw (on facebook, ha!!) some post I don't even know what, but the picture had someone standing there with a rubber horse head on. It got me thinking... every single time I see a rubber horse head (which isn't very often) I think of one of the scariest and most life changing days of my life. The day I got news that changed me forever.

The back story... last year in the Spring, I found a lump in my breast. I panicked... my dad's sister died of breast cancer and my mom's sister had and fought breast cancer.. it runs on both sides of my family and it had me spooked. I didn't tell anyone. I went back and forth between feelings of "this is nothing, it is a cyst, don't say anything and upset your family" to "oh my gosh, it is cancer and I am going to die" I fell in to a dark and scary depression and turned mean and angry and didn't know how to react. My family probably thought I had lost my dang mind and of course I wouldn't tell anyone what was going on. One day I got the guts to FINALLY tell my husband (months later) and we both broke down. He finally understand what I was going through and we both cried a lot for what might be. He convinced me to go get checked. I put it off for a long time because I didn't want to hear the scary 'C' word. Dumb, I know. But being terrified makes all common sense go out the window. I made the appointment and went in. Daniel couldn't go... so I had to go alone!! It was TERRIFYING!!! I had a mammogram and then they said they needed me to get an ultrasound. They had found 3 lumps. 3!! After what seemed like an eternity, the Dr. came in and said he was pretty sure they were all benign cysts. yay!!!! I was thrilled and went home on my merry way. They told me to come back in for a 6 month check up.

So, 4 months go by and I find 2 more lumps. How did they show up so fast? One of them felt different. It scared me so bad. Once again... guess who doesn't say ANYTHING? me. I couldn't put Daniel through that again. Well, 2 months go by and he KNOWS something is wrong. I break down and tell my sister and husband what is going on again. They encourage me to go get checked again. My appointment was set for Halloween day. I had to go again... alone. I had another mammogram and as I am sitting in a quiet, dim room waiting for the news and a nurse pops in and says the Dr found something concerning and I need another ultrasound. I swallowed the huge lump that formed in my throat and walked to the ultrasound room. I had the scan done and waited in another room, alone. After what seems like a long wait, the door flies open and in walks a man wearing a rubber horse head! (remember, it was Halloween) and he takes it off and says "if you get the rubber horse head, it means good news!!" he said he was fairly certain it was once again more benign cysts. Best news ever!! I literally felt lighter and happier than I had in a long time. That night, trick or treating with my kids- I had a hop in my step and a huge smile. No one except a couple family members ever knew about any of this. It was too scary to talk about. I am one that doesn't like to talk about really hard things. But, it has been over a year (since my first appointment) and I feel like I truly am going to be ok! I felt it was ok to talk about now. I still have to go in every 6 months for life and get checked and I will gladly set those appointments now.

If you have something going on in your life that worries you and you are scared, please find someone to talk to. It is so much better to have someone to talk to than to try to carry it alone. You will feel better if you have someone you trust to talk to and help you however they can.

Also, ladies...please get your mammograms!!! please.

Have a great day!!

Baby #4

When I had my 2nd child, my Dr. said I wouldn't be able to have any more kids. My endometriosis is bad. I also get ovarian cysts that when they rupture, it causes scar tissue which makes my organs stick together.  That alone can cause infertility. So, that combined with endometriosis made it pretty much a for sure thing that we were done having kids. I was confused because I always felt so strongly that I would have 5 kids. It's what I wanted so badly. I was also so, so grateful for the 2 I had that I could never be mad or ungrateful. Daniel and I decided to try anyway. 1st month of trying, I got pregnant with #3- Ashlyn. The dr was beyond certain that was a crazy miracle and I couldn't get so lucky again. (Ps. My OB is also a fertility specialist). I still felt strongly I was going to have more kids. We started trying again (you know...still having hope) a couple months after Ashlyn turned one. A girl can always dream, right?!

 In December after Ashlyn turned 2, I went in for yet another surgery to burn off endometriosis. The pain was so bad, I had to go get the procedure done- again. The Dr. (same guy that's my OB) did the surgery and said it was bad. It was so deep in my uterus that he could not even touch it. That news was devastating. He said I needed a hysterectomy. I knew in my heart I did. I would have to, to eventually live a normal, pain free life. BUT I still wanted more kids.

 At this point we had been trying over a year and I was losing hope fast. I had tried fertility drugs 5 or 6 times over the course of 2.5 years with no luck. Daniel and I finally got to the point where we wanted to adopt and/or do foster care. We were strongly advised not to take in a foster child and we knew adoption could take years and more money than we had. I was back to feeling hopeless. So, November 2014 rolls around and I decided this was the last time I would take fertility drugs. If it didn't work, I was done trying. Honestly. I couldn't take it anymore. Nope nope nope. I knew my Dr was only humoring me at this point. He was always kind and listened to my concerns and never pushed to just be done, but still gently reminding me how much I had working against me. So...the same as every month over the last 2.5 years, I got a big fat NOT PREGNANT. So I decided I was done. It wasn't meant to be and I was at peace with that. I mean I have 3 gorgeous and amazing daughters. I was grateful and so happy I had them! 3 kids was just what we were meant to have. December rolls around and I had zero intention of tracking dates anymore. But after a couple years it was just a natural thing. I had Dan go buy 2 tests- the kind that read out: pregnant or not pregnant... just to be sure. I always hated imagining there were two lines on the other test but not sure if my mind plays tricks on me....they always did.

SO, I decided not to test. There was no point. I would just take the unused tests back to the store and get some money for Christmas. The day before Christmas Eve (3 days after I COULD have tested) I had the feeling to test. I talked myself out of it for hours. No way was I putting myself through that for Christmas. Nope. It was like 2 in the afternoon and I knew it was eating at me. I took the test and rolled my eyes. Get ready for the big fat NO. I saw out if the corner of my eye that the words popped up. I grabbed it and went to just throw it in the trash. I decided to peek. It says: pregnant. Wait. What?!?! Whoa... WHAT?!?! I scream for dan to get in there; he comes running in and I just point to it. I start bawling. In total and complete shock. Again...what?! I tested the next morning...you know just in case. Still said I was pregnant. Wow!!! I saw the Dr. at only 5-ish weeks because he needed to make sure everything was ok since it was so hard to get pregnant. 

I went and had an ultrasound at the hospital at a day or two shy of 6 weeks. There was a heart beat. Oh. My. Gosh!!! BUT...the baby was measuring a week and a half too small and did not have a good heartbeat. Devastating. Dr said I was high risk and I'd have to go in every 2 weeks to make sure there is even still a heart beat. Every time I went in after I would get blood work done and ultrasounds. That's a lot of appointments. Baby started growing and heart is great. I go in this week on Wed and I always get nervous but always leave smiling and tears of joy. I am pregnant and the baby is still ok!!! I am around 12 weeks now and sick as can be. I am finally showing and can find out if this one is a boy or girl in 3 weeks!!! I don't care if it's a boy or girl. I sincerely want both. I'm just glad I get another at all!!!!! This picture is the first scan I ever had done. The one that first let me know everything was ok!!

Good thing I'm determined

So I couldn't figure out how to post pictures from my phone to my blog. I am on Daniel's computer, So we will see how this goes:

Ashlyn's ultrasound on her belly

Christmas party at Grandma Margie's

We rode trax downtown to see the lights at temple square. The only thing they cared about, was racing to touch that Temple!

"If you let your children touch the Temple, it will touch them!"

Add caption

This is our elf Isabella. This is the first year we have had an elf. I am not super into extravagant pranks and hiding places. Isabella getting into my make up was as fancy as we got. My kids didn't care if most days she was just sitting somewhere new. 

Lei was my only child willing to stand in the freezing temps on New Years to play with the sparklers :)

dust this thing off

It's been 2 years since I last posted. I used to always update. It's been so long that I genuinely had no idea how to make a new post. Haha. I have a ton of pictures to dump. I usually update Facebook and put my pictures there. I'm so sick of Facebook. That site has gotten so stressful, depressing and exhausting. I love to jabber on and post a million pictures. So...I will come back to this :) now I just have to remember how to get pictures on here....just kidding I have no idea how to do it. Lame. Once I can get on an actual computer, maybe I can. Haha. Well....I tried to update. This girls sucks at technology.

So much to catch up on

I was going to do a catch up post but as I type this of course having 3 kids ages 1, 3 and 5 life is busy and they need mama. So I will try again.... soon? Hopefully. Daniel is gone to basic and here he is:

super hot!

So....I'm an Army wife?!

Oh my goodness, where do I begin with this? ok, so it is a given by the title: I am now an Army wife. "What in the heck" you ask?? Yeah... I am still asking the same thing. Believe it. Let me explain. I have mass amounts of respect for the military. I don't understand it, what all it entails or what most the "military lingo" is or means. I respect it, I just don't get it you know? Anyway so Daniel has said a couple times he used to have a desire to go in the military. Well since he was now married and had 3 kids, there was no possibility of it happening. He had a friend recently enlist and is in training and leaving for active duty soon. Scary but exciting! Daniel approached me (not wanting to do it, just casually mentioning it)and saying if he had ever joined he would do this or this or that. We laughed how "too bad it can't happen now." So one day I was laying there and the feeling came over me that he was supposed to join the military. Uh....NO!! The feeling came many, many times. I pushed those thoughts out and assumed it was just the random discussions getting to me. I didn't say anything to Dan. Well this continued and I felt an overwhelming feeling I needed to tell him my thoughts. Absolutely not. not happening. It all was so scary to me. Well Daniel comes in one day to say something and in my head I am actually arguing with myself after a strong feeling to talk to him. I was actually debating in my head how dumb it was to say anything. He starts to walk away and I called after him: "we need to talk!" WHAT?! ugh. So he sits down and I start shaking. I say I think he needs to join the military. I think his jaw may have hit the floor. I am pretty sure he thought I was kidding. Apparently I wasn't. He didn't want to join. It's not what is right for our family for him to join at this time in his life. Who knows at that point what came over me. But we actually discussed it. Then prayed. Then prayed again, again and again. Then prayed some more. Then fasted. Then went to the temple and fasted and prayed more. This went on for weeks! We both got our overwhelming yet very clear answer: Dan was supposed to join. WOW! Anyway he wanted to join the Marines- that was always what he thought would be cool. They turned him down because he "had too many dependents." So we kind of took that as a "maybe this wasn't meant to be" kind of thing. Not the case. We still kept getting the feeling he was supposed to go. He tried the Army- they gave him a test called an ASVAB test where you need a 31 to get in. The highest you can get is 99 and the national average is a 53. well Daniel got a 97! So... he got the waiver that basically said it's ok that you are married with 3 kids- we will take you! I guess he did well enough that he could pick any job he wanted in the Army. how cool! He went in to do all the physicals and tests and all the things to make sure he is good to go. He was. Oh except he has some sort of weird color blindness that makes no sense and they even said it was a weird case because he can see all colors just not when two certain colors are put together or something. anyway that was enough to knock down pretty much all the jobs in the army except for 2! Sad. They said it was a waste because of his scores, he could have had any job he wanted. My heart was sad for him. Anyway this is all still new to me so I am not sure what to make sense of everything still. I honestly am not sure ALL the reasons he is supposed to go- but he is. Sounds insane- it is! But we have already figured out several reasons how this will benefit us and bless our family in so many ways. He will not go into active duty- unless there is a draft. He is signed onto the Army Reserves for 8 years. Oh! I have to tell my nightmare story about him being sworn in. I was under the impression we wouldn't see him get sworn in. So I was at a friends all day while he did all his physicals and such. We were in the parking lot waiting for him to finish. We had been swimming all day. Sweaty, dirty, covered in sunscreen, unbelievably tired!! I had just given the kids gogurts in the car, which of course were all over faces, hands and clothes. Just then Dan says "come on in- you can see me swear in!" yay! but ugh look at us!! We were gross, tired and just- not public appropriate. ha ha. So I pull the kids in there thinking it would happen right then. We sat on some benches and I discovered Ash had a messy diaper. Well since we were going right back, I didn't want to leave to change her, wait outside, get let in just to be wanded and asked if I had drugs or weapons on me just to chance missing my husband. So.... I let her be for a minute. Which turned into an hour wait!! The kids were bored and so grumpy.Of course there were no other kids and I am sure people were annoyed with my monkeys. I found a pen in the bathroom and let them draw on paper towels! Then a cool guy came over with a bag for each girl that had pencils, bracelets, stickers, coloring books, crayons, a toy, etc. yay! I kept thinking we would go back any minute so we stayed put. Then they just came and said time to go. We went back and it was time to swear him in! I was emotional, proud and excited. Ready to take pictures. Too bad the baby decided right when they were swearing in to start screaming! Not a mad scream, a high pitched- ear piercing- I am so happy I can't stand it scream! The more I shooshed her, the more she thought it was hilarious! Nothing would distract her. She also kept trying to pull the flag down by pulling on the pole. Could you imagine if the FLAG fell especially during the ceremony?! ahhhhh. Pulling her off it made her laugh and shriek more. I was humiliated and couldn't quiet her. Nothing that usually distracts her would work. I had my back to Dan the whole time and I didn't dare leave in the middle of it, with the soldiers in front of the door and me having to walk through the men swearing in. I couldn't just leave. We were at the very front and the door was behind everyone. Anyway the second they were done Ash was silent. I apologized over and over and over. Everyone was nice and said they knew how kids were or saying "she was fine" ha! Anyway it happened so fast (but in the moment felt like FOREVER!) and it was just one of those things. *dramatic sigh* Looking back now I just laugh. That's life and kids are unpredictable. :) ANYWAY Daniel is officially signed on to the United States Army and we are so so so proud of him!!! He leaves for basic training in a month and a half. he will be gone for 17 weeks. ugh. How sad is that?! Well now that everyone knows this, it might make more sense why we felt we were supposed to move back to Salt Lake despite our immense love for St. George. It was mostly so I can have help while Dan is gone. (I will be living with my sister) None of this was a rushed decision. It may seem insane to some! Some may say we are complete idiots. That's fine. This is our choice and what we feel is best for our family. We are so proud of him and his choice and support him 100% He is an amazing, selfless man who does what he can for his family, his Heavenly Father and his country. We hope everyone can be as supportive and excited as we are for him!! And that is my story of me becoming an Army wife. yippee!! here is one of the few shots we got at his swearing in:

Also.. I realize I sound so negative about it (well before we decided he would go.) I think it was because I was so scared that he might actually go and have to leave us for so long. Now that I realize it is right and all that is involved with it, I am actually really excited!!

6 months

Ashlyn is 6 months old. Little cutie pie. She sits and rolls and scoots and loves to eat almost anything. Her favorites are squash, crushed graham crackers, apples, pears, bananas. She still sucks on her big toe and thumb. She loves to play with my hair.

Just took her to her check up. She is 13 pounds now. She is 25th ish percentile for height and weight- not bad. She is ridiculously adorable.

Here are some pictures within the last few weeks. All taken on a phone so... not good quality but still glad to have any pictures of her for now :)

I will vent here so I do not scream

I am always up for venting to the world when I am frustrated as to not take it out on anyone I love :)

where to begin...

A couple of months ago I broke a tooth and didn't have dental insurance but recently through Daniel's work we were blessed to get good coverage and I scheduled an appt. and went in to a local dentist here. The dentist introduces himself and looks in my mouth (now let me make this clear. my teeth suck. I have had more work than almost anyone in the world. jk but I have had LOADS of work done. I get it. Its not sexy to have teeth like these but whatever) and he says this is wrong, this this this and this and this was wrong and was like making all sorts of un- called for comments that totally sucked to hear and I was super humiliated. I put my head down as tears trickled down my face. I was ashamed and he looks at me and starts laughing! wow. super sweet guy. I seriously have never in my life been treated like that and I am so sensitive and I just sat there and took his crap. So as my eyes are closed and I am collecting myself, I let him keep poking around in there and speaking of poking around... he pokes me with the needle to numb me. um..... what?! yeah apparently I was getting a root canal. Just like that. A freaking root canal. Good thing I had warning huh? Whatever, get it over with. Well he must have been in a super big hurry because he started to drill and I wasn't numb!!! Ahhh. just shoot me. I asked THREE times for the gas and the 3rd time he laughs and says "Oh yeah you wanted gas huh?" So anyway about 5 mins later he was done. lovely. He got to only do half and I was going to have to come back after a couple weeks of antibiotics.

I get home and tell Daniel the story of what happened and he told me to see a new dentist. Here's why I can't: the insurance only covers certain things and I had already gotten all my x rays and things that were allowed. I refused to go to ANOTHER dentist to be embarrassed again and then have to get all my xrays done again and get their opinion and pay out of pocket. no thanks.

So yesterday I go back to finish the root canal. He didn't say anything ignorant to me luckily but my heck he is such a mean man. He was so rude to his employees and belittles them right in front of me. Not once did he say please or thank you to them and talks to them like they are incompetent. I felt bad for them... looking back I can see how I have yet to see another patient in his office and not once did the phone ring while I was there. I am surprised he is still in business. Do others really go and put up with this man?? anyway so my work is coming along fine and then my jaw starts to hurt. Like bad, bad, bad and I don't know what to do I just pray it is over soon and I can shut my jaw. (remember how I said I have had tons of work done? I have had my mouth open longer then that in a dentist office before and never had it hurt like that so I was amazed how sore I was so soon) this man is not gentle at all and is pushing so hard as he works, which normally would be ok but it sent shooting pains through my jaw on the left side and all I wanted to do was close my jaw. It was getting worse and when he was done he told me to close. I tried. My jaw wouldn't shut!! It was the worst pain ever!! I said "I can't!" He then proceeds to try to force my jaw closed. ahhhhh! I was screaming, I could not believe how bad that hurt and here is this guy determined he would get my jaw to shut by one hand on my head and one hand on my chin. I literally thought he was going to break my jaw. I was screaming and trying to pry his hands off my chin. I was crying and trying to breathe and get him off of me. The two ladies were trying to massage my jaw joints and he kept shoving and it finally snapped shut. He all matter of factly says "there we go." I was sitting there shaking and crying and my mouth hurt so unbelievably bad. He explained my jaw dislocated and showed me with his hands what happened to my jaw joint and explained that it does not happen very often but occasionally it does and I need ibuprophen and heat when I got home. Then he sent me on my way. um.... ok. Thanks? So I get home and it feels pretty ok..... as long as I didn't smile, talk, laugh, yawn or chew. I called the dentist office later and just needed to know how long to expect to feel this way. She said a few days and told me to take tylenol too. Then as the night went on my jaw was throbbing, sending pain into my ears and my head hurt worse and worse and down my neck on the left side. I felt waves of something that felt like I had the flu. I was hurting so bad I almost went to the hospital. I had Daniel give me a blessing and chose to go to bed. I slept alright and woke up feeling better than last night. but now it is almost 3 pm and I am just aching. My ear hurts, my head and neck and it kills to chew. Or laugh, or yawn or... you get it. A few mins ago the dentist receptionist calls to check on me. I tell her I am not ok and tell her about last night. She sounds confused and says "well that's weird. Well if it isn't better by Monday call us ok?"

What in the world?? That place is a joke!! I googled jaw dislocation last night and everything I read said in bold letters DO NOT FORCE JAW CLOSED when it becomes dislocated. uh he most certainly DID force my jaw closed!! it said to have a professional carefully close it after muscle relaxer was given and a numbing medicine in the jaw joints. I had none of that. Just these huge, un caring, un gentle hands shove my jaw back. How about that??

Where do I go from here? Do I complain about him? If so to who? his staff? do I let it go? Do I go get checked at a hospital? Did he do anything wrong? Am I just a super duper baby? ugh. I am in pain and more confused than ever and at a complete loss. I don't have a clue.

aaaaaand

That is my vent for the day

pictures

My camera is broken as is my laptop which has been broken for like a year. Also I don't know how to get pics off my phone so for now here are some pics I stole off Daniel's computer

Let me explain the next 2 pics. It might look gross but it's just pudding! I was going to let the girls paint with pudding at the table but didn't want to clean the mess, so I stuck them in the tub. They loved it! Nothing a shower can't clean up :)






oh hi. I am just sitting here spitting up and being cute.

Ireland got a fun package in the mail filled with Tangled and Barbie goodies for her Birthday from our good friends Matt and Traci.



I told you she was obsessed with her toes! She eats them all day long. so cute



Leighton got new glasses!! How stinkin cute is she?




Someone turned 4!

what are my thoughts?

So reading over my Birth story I wrote the other day I am sad. I wrote it as I remembered and I left out so many details. Details I can't quite remember, I made it sound horrible and depressing and blah. It wasn't so much that it was a horrible birth, I just was so thrown for a loop you know? At the time My hormones and my out of control emotions made me scared and stressed and being in pain I have never felt like that before and nothing like I had planned. I seem... ungrateful or snotty maybe. Hmm not sure what I feel about it. With my birth with Ireland I was induced. She came quick and it was fun and we were laughing and my epidural worked and it was seriously, seriously fun, pain free and easy. With Leighton a lot of things went wrong and to see my Dr. go pale and intense and worried but remaining calm and helpful working to get my baby out and save her life... I just prayed for a better time with this last baby. I prayed all would go smoothly, that all would go quickly and I think I just had all these ideas that it would go 100% perfect like with Ireland that when my epidural didn't take I panicked. Might sound crazy from an outside perspective but in the moment it happened and I did not like the way it all felt. I had been so beyond stressed before and all the confusion.. was I in labor, was I not? It messed with a pregnant ladies mind. Looking at my sweet baby girl, I would not change what happened. I have to say I got a beautiful, perfect daughter of God in my arms after a very brief labor and even though she had jaundice and swallowed meconium and we thought she might have had infection in her lungs, despite all that she was HEALTHY, she was tiny and perfect and everything I imagined. I don't care if my epidural didn't work. boo hoo. I got a child and I got over the pain immediately. I don't ever want to seem ungrateful or like a whiny spoiled brat. I will re write her birth story for her ( I highly doubt she will read the story I posted) and I will make it heartfelt and sincere and use Daniel's memories to fill in the gaps where I can't remember. I won't whine or feel sorry for myself. She deserves a good birth story. Not one about me. hmmm. Not sure all what my thoughts are about the whole thing. I have mixed emotions and I just suck at expressing it all how I really mean it right now. So I will stop trying. I will tell things that are happening in the moment... before I forget those precious moments as well.

Ashlyn is 4 1/2 months old. She is perfect. She is darling and sweet and getting a little personality. She has a cute laugh and is ALWAYS smiling. Good grief she is the happiest little thing! She is nursing still and eats often. She does get formula at night and occasionally at naps to help her gain weight. She is still if at all 12 lbs but she is growing taller. She is busting out of 0-3 month onesies and jammies. Her waist is tiny so she can fit in newborn size skirts or shorts. She blows spit bubbles all. day. long. She loves baby food and baby oatmeal. She eats off a spoon like a champ. She just adores her sisters. She is a total mama's girl. She loves her daddy for sure but is always looking for mom. Which I love but still want her to let others hold her for more than two mins before she spots me and wants me to grab her. She sleeps so well. She actually is napping longer too! Ashlyn is such a special spirit. She makes us all happy and makes us laugh. She likes to jabber the day away and can roll front to back and back to front. She is obsessed with her feet and eats them all day long. She even sleeps holding her feet! hysterical! What else can I say about my sweet girl? She is amazing and we just can't get enough of her!!

The birth of our baby

I knew I should have done this a while ago. I know how awful my memory is. Its sad that my memory is bad enough that I may not remember all the details of my own daughter's birth but that is my life.

ps this is going to be as detailed as possible so if you don't want to read it. stop now :)

Well the end of my pregnancy was so stressful. Daniel had moved to St. George early to start work (yes it was necessary, there was a family emergency down there as well and he lost his job so he went to get our home ready and start a new job and get it going so we could soon have benefits and money when we got there)

I was very pregnant and very done- my body does not handle pregnancies very well and I had been sick for 35 weeks of it! I was trying to pack up my house for our move. When we planeed our move we knew it would be during the end of my pregnancy (for packing) and the actual move right after she was born. When we planned that we had also planned Daniel being there to help. So I was very pregnant, sick and miserable and I was also teaching preschool and running an in home day care. I was babysitting these kids 11.5 hours a day which is better than the 13 it used to be. sigh. Looking back, I was an idiot. I loved those kids but it wasn't a good idea to do it that many hours for 5 days a week. ANYWAY so at about 36 weeks I was dilated to a 2.5 or was it 3+? I can't remember and the Dr didn't want me to go into labor yet so I was put on bed rest to keep her in there. I went back to the hospital.. 2 or 3 times to get checked because once I felt I was in serious back labor like with Leighton. False alarm, still can't explain the pain I was going through. Every time I got checked I was a 3 then a 4 and having very inconsistant contractions. they would be intense and every 5 mins then after an hour would stop. (With my other 2 kids I never ever had regular contractions. At all. Even as I was about to have the baby. My mom was the same way with all 4 of us kids) So I never knew what to do. Daniel kept racing up from St. George thinking I was in labor and after false alarms would have to go back and just wait. His work would allow one week off IF I had the baby and we couldn't afford for him to just sit in Salt lake if we weren't having this baby. So Sunday May 15th rolls around and I am not having contractions. My eyes however were extremely blurry and my heart was pounding and I was dizzy so I went BACK to labor and delivery to have them check my blood pressure. Which was normal. Ok well I obviously wasn't ok. I started bawling about how Daniel had to leave the next day to get back to work. I didn't know when this baby was coming, I felt awful, I couldn't see, I was on high anxiety. I was at a 4 STILL with irregular contractions. I was an emotional wreck. My dr. had scheduled an induction for about a week from then but kept swearing this baby would be here sooner. Um.. no she wasn't. She wanted to party in there and that was ok. I wanted her to be fully developed and healthy but I was so stressed. Well the sweet nurse comes in and says "ok, I called your OB and he said you can stay." what?! yes! They were going to induce me and Daniel didn't have to go home and we could have our baby and have all our family plan to come meet her!! Well as usual I had no regular contractions. They started me on my anti biotics for group B strep and said after all 3 bags they would come induce me. Well after 1 bag, my water broke and the contractions were intense!! No need to induce me, the baby wanted to come anyway!! I wanted an epidural so bad as I am a major wuss and wanted to feel no pain. the lady was doing my epidural and everything she said I shouldn't feel I did! OW what the heck was happening?? I never ever felt this with my last 2 epidurals! She kept like wiggling the needle or whatever it was around so much that Daniel felt ill and was white as a ghost and had to sit down. Wait, he was supposed to be holding my hand! I was in pain, this lady was screwing up my epidural and it made Dan sick (it never did that with my other ones) with her ramming this needle in all directions. Mumbling something about how she must have hit a nerve. That pain was almost as bad as my contractions. She kept putting in "test medicine" saying I shouldn't feel it going in. I did. It sucked, so bad. As I waited for my epidural to kick in they checked me and I was ready to push. Not only was my contractions not regular despite their intensity they (the staff) were shocked it was time. They were monitoring me and according to their machines I had plenty of time. Anyway so I am freaking out and kept saying my epidural isn't working yet, we have to wait! Please help me. The anesthesiologist looks at me and says she would re do the whole thing butI was out of time. Then she walks out of the room. Apparently after or during HITTING MY NERVE she had done the epidural too low so all the "test medicine" was in my lower legs and feet. She kept pumping it in so I could get my belly and below numb; when I wasn't getting numb she kept pumping in drugs that only made my calves and feet numb. Worst feeling ever. So I could feel everything. (except in my feet of course) and it was time to get the baby here. I only pushed a few times but I remember just panicking saying I am not numb! I can not do this! Maybe if I had planned for a natural birth it would have been easier. But I do not plan natural births. I like my freaking epidural and I like no pain and no stress. The pain was outrageous and I was so miserable and couldn't get my dumb numb feet to stay up. I kept saying I can't do this and the nurse said you have to, no one else can do it for you. They were kind and supportive but firm in the way of letting me know I HAD to push this baby out. So like I said only a few pushes luckily and she was here! My biggest baby yet at 7 lbs 13 oz From the time my water broke to the time she was born was about 2 hours. I have quick babies! She was 13 days early and she come all on her own! Looking back now I see how stressed I had been leading up to her birth and what I could and should have done differently. I am glad I went to the hospital that day to get my blood pressure checked which turned out to be fine. There was obviously a reason we were supposed to be there at that time. If my water had broke at home and not having regular contractions, I may have had my baby at home on the couch! yikes! I still would never choose a natural birth and pray that lady who gave me my meds just made a one time mistake and doesn't do that often. I still to this day 4.5 months later get shooting pains in my spine in the "epidural" site. I am glad in the end that I had a healthy baby, quick birth and an amazing recovery! I am glad Daniel was there. I am glad he got to stay for a week and glad this birth was nothing like Leighton's! I know lots of women have had natural births and should be commended, I personally will never join that awesome group of women who do it and love it and grow from it. If we have another baby, I assure you I will think happy epidural thoughts :)

Man I sure my love my sweet Ashlyn! As much as I whined about her birth, she is an incredible baby and I am grateful she is part of our family! I can not wait to watch her grow and the best start to my morning is her waking me up by her jabbering. Sweet, sweet child she is. I am very blessed.

these are all out of order and I don't want to fix it :)

couldn't have said it better myself.

This is a great post by a cute friend Aleisha. It's a must read :)

ps just because I thought it was adorable: Ireland was walking around and around in circles. She gets excited and says: "Mom, look! I am following the Prophet!"

I love that girl!

oh yes the matter at hand... go read her post. I needed that today.

Currently

I am:

Reading: The Scriptures with my family each night and The host.

Relieved by: air conditioning. You can not live in St George (comfortably) with out AC

Looking forward to: making lots of bows tonight, getting a huge load o' crap ready to take to the D.I. and getting kisses from my sweet baby

Stressing about: not a whole lot right now.

craving: nothing really.

wanting: to tone up this tummy of mine

Proud of myself for: losing all but 4 oz of baby weight. :) yes that last 4 oz matters. Just kidding but it is odd how I weigh what I did pre baby yet nothing fits well. Time for crunches I suppose

wearing: jean capris and a gray shirt. blah.

addicted to: hot yoga and hot pilates. yowza! I went with a new friend Katie to this hot Pilates class (think: a room with a temp set of at least 100 degrees) followed by a hot yoga class. I literally lost a pound. Just from sweating. Crazy huh? Gross? definitely. Awesome though? definitely. It makes you calm, happy, so freaking sore and completely wanting more!

avoiding: ugh, making phone calls. Again. I have put these off for weeks upon weeks and it's only hurting me.

suffering from: needing new glasses and I have a painful, broken tooth. Hmmm maybe if I could CALL and make appointments I could get in and fix the problems. sigh. No one would understand unless they had the same problem. I DO NOT like nor want to talk on the phone. Don't even get me started on this. :(

struggling with: see last two answers

excited for: we are taking the girls bowling tonight! It will be their first but hopefully not their last times. They are so excited. We have a plastic bowling set here. Yeah, the real thing will be much better

splurging on: stuff for my business. I have let that baby sit on the back burner way too long. I have new materials, new ideas and some super cute products I am proud to get out there! Daniel and I are getting my site up and running and I can't wait to show it off!!

update on the fam-

Daniel interviewed for (and nailed) this full time position at work! SO proud of him. So now he works full time (yes!!) and more money (yes!!) We have loved having extra time with him at home but so ready for him to do this.

Me- well like I mentioned, I am ready to rock with my business again. Its not that I was lazy or flaky or that I didn't care to keep up my business it was just with all the things I was going through the last year, I literally couldn't keep up. I had some of my regulars buy bows but my site has been down about a year so no one new could order. All that is about to change when I get everything back on track. I also was called as 2nd counselor in the Young Womens! I am over the beehives. I absolutely love it!

Ireland is 3 going on 13. I mean 4. :) Her birthday is coming up and she is so excited!! She loves anything Barbie, Dora or rapunzel. She is learning to read so she wants new books and she gets excited and tells me these huge lists of what she wants. :) She is such a sweety pie and is an amazing big sister! She loves her sisters so much but has this special motherly way with Ashlyn. She is so nurturing and it melts my heart.

Leighton is 26 months old. She is so dang funny. I know I ALWAYS say it, but she is! She is just hilarious. I can't even begin to describe her little personality. You would never know it by how shy she is around pretty much everyone (except close family). My poor Leighton is so clumsy though, this poor kid is always falling, tripping, running into everything, always bumps, and bruises. She always has headaches. Her glasses are all busted up and she needs new ones. She still has health problems but is such a trooper. She is such a blessing. She is an easy kid and she is all potty trained! Well.... she could use a little work with nights sometimes... but otherwise she is done. Leighton has this amazing vocabulary. She speaks in complete, full sentences and she uses these big words that are always used correctly. She is quite the jabber monster :) She also is an amazing big sister! She and Ashlyn are buddies :)

Ashlyn is almost 4 months old! Man I love this baby!! She is so cuddly and so happy. She had a rough first couple months of life and was very high demand and stressed but she has calmed so much and is much, much happier. She is still more high demand then my other two ever where, but she is still smiley and will jabber the day away! She is still nursing (what a blessing!! Never knew or thought I would make the milk for this long or for her sole source of food!) She weighs 11 pounds but never acts like she isn't getting enough and has plenty of wet diapers, she has tears so I know she isn't dehydrated. She is just tiny like her oldest sister. To help fatten her up, I give her bottles with pumped breast milk and baby oatmeal. I also started making her baby food. She loves it! She sits perfectly in her Bumbo and has awesome neck muscles and she eats off a spoon as if she has been doing it all her life... so I just give her little bits of baby food here and there. Ireland had digestion problems and our pediatrician had me start Ireland on baby food at 3 months old too so I know Ashlyn will be ok with having baby food that early. I made her pears and apples the other day. She had corn yesterday. She handled it just fine. She also had a banana in her mesh baby feeding thing the other day and a mango. She cried when it was gone! Anyway so hopefully she will start to gain weight a little more now that I feed her other things in addition to nursing. She also never sleeps anymore. She sleeps through the night but rarely naps during the day sometimes once a day and its short. She isn't fussy. In fact she stays wide awake and is happy so I know she isn't hungry but maybe an extra full tummy will help her sleep?? Does anyone have other suggestions to help her nap? Its not a big deal, but it would be nice if she slept once in a while during the day :)

well that's it about us. I have hundreds of pictures to go through and put up. I just hate putting them all over Daniel's computer and not knowing how to use this one very well. I miss my laptop :(

anyway have a good day :)

Family pictures 2011

We usually have a certain photographer we use who is a good friend of ours. Daniel does all Justin's design work and as part of payment to Daniel we get photos done. Well Justin and his wife weren't able to do ours since we moved, and we wont use any one else so we just took the kids to the St. George temple and Daniel set up his tripod and took the pictures for us. The girls wanted to wear their dresses they got in Hawaii and they looked cute but man it was HOT! So all those cute flushed faces you see is from the nice summer heat we get down here :) Yes I know we have already done Temple pictures you can see the last ones here but we absolutely LOVE the Temple and everything about it. Daniel and I gave talks on the Temple in our new ward and Ireland sand " I love to see the Temple" at the end of my talk and that is the girls favorite song. It is just really important to Daniel and I that our girls know and love it too. In fact the girls sang it the whole time and were giddy when we said where we were going. The "shoot" didn't last long as the kids were hot, tired and bored after too long. None are edited but the pictures turned out cute though. As usual, there are a ton :)

enjoy!

depending on your computer, you should be able to click on any picture once or even twice to see them better

looking at the moon


they love the moon. Leighton kept asking to touch it

surgery sucks. kind of

In the middle of July... it was time to leave my home and husband to make the trek back to Salt Lake. My Father in Law came here and picked up me and my 3 little ladies. Daniel of course couldn't take time off of work. :( We stayed at my in laws for a few days (in the basement. aka my old house) Then Thursday the 14th my two oldest went to my Aunt's and my baby went with my Grandma- broke my heart. I HATED leaving my new baby for that many hours :( My mom picked me up and we headed to the hospital for my surgery. While we waited I was part anxious to get it the freak over with and part freaking out- terrified. Then the staff got very, very behind so I waited and waited. Then I went back, had a freak out moment then...... woke up. I was done. I was HURTING. Bad. This is what I had done: never mind I can't find the paper at the moment that says what it was. Basically he fixed my deviated septum. Shaved down something in my nose, sewed it all up and also used a laser to smooth down some nodules (scar tissue I think) on my vocal chords. He doesn't pack the nose like some doctors do. He rolls up gauze and puts it under your nose and tapes it to your cheeks so I just change the gauze out all day. I was on voice rest for 3-5 days. Me, and my girls stayed at my mom's for a few days so I could rest and recover and when you have 3 kids ages 3.5 and under, it is near IMPOSSIBLE to rest your voice. Especially when I was camped out on the couch in the living room where everyone usually was. Its natural to talk. If your kids are fighting or crying or asking questions and no one else is in the room, sign language only gets you so far. I can only clap, snap and wave to get their attention. Ugh, it was useless. So here is where it gets bad. The very next night after my surgery I can finally nurse my baby and I am holding her burping her over my shoulder. Since she is a new baby she has a wobbly head/neck. Well this darling baby slams her darling head right into my nose!! It was unbearable. I darn near threw that baby (not out of anger, just pure shock, pain and instinct I guess) I not so gently plopped her in her car seat that was right there and I couldn't breathe. My mom said I just screamed a blood curdling scream and was just shaking and shaking and sobbing. My nose had almost completely quit bleeding right before this. Now right after I got head butted it was gushing. The pain was pretty mellow before then. After, oh man, that was rough. So I healed as best as I could. My mom had to go back to work after a few days so I had to go back to my In laws and sort of fend for myself. My father in law is insanely busy with his work and my mother in law was in Europe for 3 weeks so it was just me and my babies. I had a follow up appt for my post op and my nose looked good! No damage from the head butt!! My septum was still straight. I was surprised but so grateful. Well we get to my old house and my girls went to my friend's house for a sleep over so I could rest and also attend an important meeting. Well that night I got the stomach flu. yay! NOT. SO glad my two oldest girls were gone. I was a mess. My poor baby was not getting held or attention and every time I tried to nurse her I had to run off to get sick. It was so so sad. Since I couldn't keep anything down, I also couldn't take pain medicine so I was sick and still in pain. :( The next morning I downed some Pepto that my darling Grandma went and bought me. Started to feel well and went to pick up my girls. Still couldn't take pain meds though as I needed to drive. Oh! I forgot another part. While packing up to leave my mom's, I was moving this play mat thing the baby was using and a piece came apart (it snapped I think) and it had a spring back piece (sorry not sure how to describe it) anyway the point is: it swung up and slammed me in my nose and teeth!! ouch! what the freak was happening?? Hit twice in the nose?! ugh. just shoot me. Here comes the blood again. The pain. the annoyance. I never get hit in the nose and twice in a few days after a nose surgery?? anyhoo... So I was starting to get very sick again and it was time to go home. I just laid on the floor and my poor father in law Clive had to go get my girls from downstairs, change their bums, feed them, pick up and pack up all my stuff and take care of my girls and I just lay on his floor and cried. I couldn't move it was a disaster, and he was so kind and did everything for me. We had to go buy formula because I couldn't even nurse the baby. My body ached so bad and I couldn't keep any meds down (pain or pepto) then my sweet father in law drove us all the way back home and I got to finally see Daniel and continue with my recovery. I can, for the first time in YEARS, breathe out my nose!! yay! I sleep better, my headaches that I have had almost all my life are almost completely gone, I can eat with my mouth closed, and as my husband excitedly stated on facebook: he can kiss me for more than a couple seconds at a time! ha ha. So the nose part of the surgery was a complete success!!! The throat part: fail. MAYBE if I had been able to rest my voice as I was instructed to, there was a chance it could have worked. Nope. I am back to being hoarse and I get exhausted talking very easy. Just like I have for the last 2+ years. Oh well. People still think I am sick because of my scratchy voice. I am not. Who cares?? not me. Not when I can BREATHE!!!

Currently

I am:

Reading: my scriptures, a talk in which I am supposed to give a talk on this Sunday, a few Ensign articles and Complete guide to Family Health, nutrition and fitness.

Relieved by: sleep. which is where I am headed after this

Looking forward to: playing with my girls in the morning

Stressing about: giving my talk this Sunday

Craving: just sleep

Wanting: a new vehicle, a nice toned body, sleep and patience

Proud of myself for: working out tonight and also for completing every single chore and "to do" item on my list for the day

Wearing: comfy jammies .....hey why does my font and all that keep changing?? weird.....

Addicted to: Dr. Pepper. good grief. I drink a lot. It's sad how much I drink. every single day

Avoiding: making phone calls. I dread talking on the phone. I sweat and get nervous and shaky and I just get weird. Its a completely insane fear

Suffering from: my head hurts

Struggling with: patience

Excited for: raging waters

Splurging on: nothing right now.

why oh why do my blog posts change like that? It only happens when I copy someone's stuff and post it here. obviously the answers are mine but... eh. oh well. never mind. I am tired and clearly delusional.

night

I'm excited are you excited?

I have access to some of my pictures.!!

In reality, I take at least 20 pictures a day. I have zero photography skills, nor do I try. I cannot edit photos, nor do I try. I see my cute kids, I whip out my camera and snap away. If truth be told, most the time I aim the camera and am so busy looking at the kids, not through the camera that I end up with lots of heads cut off or pictures that are blurry. ha ha oh well. I just want the memories :)

Anyway here are about 24, yes I said 24- pictures. They are random and may only be fabulous to me. I am ok with that. There is no order or specific reason for these particular ones. I just opened my memory card with literally hundreds and hundreds of pictures so I just stole some.

loooong explanation. here is the short version: I found some pics, hooray!!

with this one I heard: "mommy, mommy yook (look) *giggle* cool" ha ha I love how she says "cool" for everything

this kid has been feeding herself cereal for months and months and makes very few spills. She for the most part can successfully drink her milk too :) then you see sister's bowl and as usual it is left abandoned and not finished.

library bound!

these girls LOVE their sister. They are always, always singing to her and getting her to smile

bath tub fizzy colors. They each pick a color then a few toys.

Oh hi, I am just laying here all cute and stuff

Happy birthday Leighton!! runnin nakie because it was hot. Silly girl, those are for Mr. Potato head

her gift: a guinea pig! She instantly named him Piggy. Ireland calls him Mozie. So he (or is it a she??) has 2 names I guess

Birthday girl

awwww sweet piece of Heaven

ok so can I just express my total and complete jealousy issue? My daughters have amazing, thick, healthy, curly hair. Where they got it from? no one knows. I have literally only combed Ireland's hair about 5 times not counting combing it into a pony tail.I don't have to. After her bath it air dries into perfection. I straightened her hair the night before this picture was taken (I rarely do that bc the heat can damage her hair) by the next day it was already curling again

she dips her hair in the pool

does absolutely nothing...

a few minutes later wild, perfection. sigh.


just some fun pictures:

yes my 2 year old bites her nails. obsessively. all day long :(

first smiles caught on camera

sick yet you would never know looking at this

Ireland's boyfriend

the end. for now. you better believe this was not even close to all my pictures long over due :)