I really, REALLY need to get back into writing on this blog more often. I put everything on facebook and I hate facebook. Ever since I got pregnant and became so sick (pushing 24 weeks of sick!!) I lay down a lot and I get bored, so I end up on facebook and I post everything, where I used to do that on here. *sigh* I need to make the time more.
Anyway... the reason for this post.. I saw (on facebook, ha!!) some post I don't even know what, but the picture had someone standing there with a rubber horse head on. It got me thinking... every single time I see a rubber horse head (which isn't very often) I think of one of the scariest and most life changing days of my life. The day I got news that changed me forever.
The back story... last year in the Spring, I found a lump in my breast. I panicked... my dad's sister died of breast cancer and my mom's sister had and fought breast cancer.. it runs on both sides of my family and it had me spooked. I didn't tell anyone. I went back and forth between feelings of "this is nothing, it is a cyst, don't say anything and upset your family" to "oh my gosh, it is cancer and I am going to die" I fell in to a dark and scary depression and turned mean and angry and didn't know how to react. My family probably thought I had lost my dang mind and of course I wouldn't tell anyone what was going on. One day I got the guts to FINALLY tell my husband (months later) and we both broke down. He finally understand what I was going through and we both cried a lot for what might be. He convinced me to go get checked. I put it off for a long time because I didn't want to hear the scary 'C' word. Dumb, I know. But being terrified makes all common sense go out the window. I made the appointment and went in. Daniel couldn't go... so I had to go alone!! It was TERRIFYING!!! I had a mammogram and then they said they needed me to get an ultrasound. They had found 3 lumps. 3!! After what seemed like an eternity, the Dr. came in and said he was pretty sure they were all benign cysts. yay!!!! I was thrilled and went home on my merry way. They told me to come back in for a 6 month check up.
So, 4 months go by and I find 2 more lumps. How did they show up so fast? One of them felt different. It scared me so bad. Once again... guess who doesn't say ANYTHING? me. I couldn't put Daniel through that again. Well, 2 months go by and he KNOWS something is wrong. I break down and tell my sister and husband what is going on again. They encourage me to go get checked again. My appointment was set for Halloween day. I had to go again... alone. I had another mammogram and as I am sitting in a quiet, dim room waiting for the news and a nurse pops in and says the Dr found something concerning and I need another ultrasound. I swallowed the huge lump that formed in my throat and walked to the ultrasound room. I had the scan done and waited in another room, alone. After what seems like a long wait, the door flies open and in walks a man wearing a rubber horse head! (remember, it was Halloween) and he takes it off and says "if you get the rubber horse head, it means good news!!" he said he was fairly certain it was once again more benign cysts. Best news ever!! I literally felt lighter and happier than I had in a long time. That night, trick or treating with my kids- I had a hop in my step and a huge smile. No one except a couple family members ever knew about any of this. It was too scary to talk about. I am one that doesn't like to talk about really hard things. But, it has been over a year (since my first appointment) and I feel like I truly am going to be ok! I felt it was ok to talk about now. I still have to go in every 6 months for life and get checked and I will gladly set those appointments now.
If you have something going on in your life that worries you and you are scared, please find someone to talk to. It is so much better to have someone to talk to than to try to carry it alone. You will feel better if you have someone you trust to talk to and help you however they can.
Also, ladies...please get your mammograms!!! please.
Have a great day!!
