I just may

There has been a lot in my head lately and if I don't get it out I may just scream. Not really but it might be therapeutic. :)

I have had these thoughts for so long that I think now is the time to get out how I really feel.
I am not even sure where to begin.

Over the holidays I have had plenty of time to figure some things out. Since this is my journal, I will express it here. I can't keep apologizing for typing things that might offend someone. Read it or don't, just don't be upset with me for expressing how I feel. Over this time, I have tried to figure out who my real friends are (family or not). There are times I think things are ok with someone and then BAM I am proven wrong. Now I would like to believe I am a good person. I would like to think if someone had a problem with me- with things I say, do, or am going to do- that I would be a good listener and hear what one has to say. That who ever had the problem would come to me, Nope that's not the case. Seems time and time again, I am the LAST person to hear about what I am doing wrong. hmmm. Strange isn't it? I had a few of examples about how people have problems with me personally, with me having a baby(when I was pregnant with Leighton), things I might be doing that is MY BUSINESS not the people who choose to get involved and involve other people that it didn't concern to begin with, people who make me feel like I am a bad person for what I say, how I raise my kids, how I speak, if I go to sacrament every week, how my house looks, etc.
What it ALL boils down to, is I JUST DON'T CARE anymore. Why do I need to care what ANYONE thinks of ME?! I have spent my whole life worried about pleasing everyone, worried about whether my kids look cute, whether my house looks decent, worried about whether I am too loud, and say the wrong things, tell dumb jokes, sing off-key, etc. Why does it matter? Why do I spend so much time worrying what people think of me? Because I do and always have. I hate when someone is mad at me, I hate letting people down and I hate looking dumb/bad. But news flash: this is life.

I am not here to please anyone. My goal in life is take care of me, take care of my family. To provide service to those in need, to be a teacher, to do everything I possibly can to return to my Father in Heaven with my head held high with the fact that I know I tried my best. Right?My guidance counselor in high school gave me a necklace that says: PEOPLE MATTER, THINGS DON'T.
Sure I would love to have my house decorated all cute and always have nice clothes, and have all these movies, books, music, toys for my kids, but besides the fact that it's not always financially possible, in the end, I won't need any of it. In the end I will have my family. My jeep isn't the greatest and needs a ton of work but gets us where we need. My house is never spotless, I don't always have everything put away, but my kids are HAPPY and for the most part HEALTHY, and they are so smart and I love them so much and am glad that I can put off laundry to blow bubbles and watch barney for the 1,345th time. I have so few close friends. I have a hard time trusting people, and it only is getting harder. For my friends and family who are here for me, who don't JUDGE, don't criticize, who love me for me-faults included, who attend parties I throw, who listen when I vent, or even when get so excited about the tiniest things my kids do, for those who accept me: I say thank you. Thank you with all my heart. You are the reason I keep my optimistic attitude and you are the reason I still trust people, and in the end, that is all I need.

I had New year's resolutions and I always write them down and always have too many. I always forget them and never follow through because they were never things that would really help me in the end.

I want to be fit and healthy, I want to have energy to play with my kids and not get tired after "flying" Ireland around the house like 3 times and then I am exhausted, I want my body to heal and fight off the conditions I have. I want to have goals that aren't silly and ones that will mean something to me in a year. Our relief society said this: "Keep your New year's Resolutions down to one or two that will help you the most in the things that matter most for eternity. We can't perfect ourselves all at once." With that said, I will keep mine personal and strive for what I think is most important. You know that saying, "don't give up what you want most for what you want now". Smart huh?

Anyway, I have already forgotten some of what I had wanted to say. I do feel better though. Whenever I feel myself worrying about what other people think of me, I will keep my wise Father- in- Law Clive's advice in my mind: "if people are offended by you, then that is their problem." (sorry if I butchered that, it is just what I remember him telling me)
And every time I get down on myself or any situation I think of what my Mother-in-law Bonnie tells me every now and then: " this too shall pass"

that is the end of this, and it is now 2 am and I am so sleepy. I wonder if this will make sense in the morning? hmmm.

have a great day :)